>Realization of why August triggers me and is difficult for me

>Lately there has been alot of things coming to my mind regarding my past and things triggering my childhood. I layed there thinking about this last night while trying to figure a reason for all these thoughts intruding on me recently. I realized that the month of June and august are more so triggers in themselves for me than any other months of the year.

It was June 2006 when my visits with my children were temporarily on hold while an investigation ensued regarding my husband sexually abusing my children. However, when this occured I was not told what was going on only that the visits were being stop enlight of an ivestigation that would take 60 days to complete. Right before the 60 days were up sometime in the middle of August I had to meet with the investigator Lisa Parks. It was then that I found out the alegations and what was being said to my daughters therapist and what was reported to the local social services agency.

The alegations were that my husband had molested my daughter and son. He also had had them doing things to eachother. These alegations through me into a whirlwind of guilt and feeling of my cause of contribution to his abuse towards them.

I ended up trying to kill myself. I overdosed and lived. During the course of the investyigation my son ended up in the child psychiatric unit. He was very angry about not being able to have visits and already was angry about being taken away from his family and placed in foster care away from his parents and his sisters. He was in a foster home with a single mom and his little brother and the foster moms adopted teenage son that had some of his own mental health issues. While in the hospital they allowed me to visit him and had decided to place him in a residential for the safety of his little brother because of his aggression towards his younger brother.

The final decision regarding the sexual abuse alegations and determination came out around the 20th of August of 2006. The determination was that the report was supported on my husband for sexual abuse of my daughter but not of my son. I went into a domestic violence shelter but continued to question the validity of the alegations and the motives. I also questioned myself greatly believeing it was my fault this abuse occured as I had seen signs and fought with him regarding my fear of him abusing her but could never have actual proff for a long time before the children were taken and had discussed this issue with the social workers involved in our case here in Virginia and at one point in Massachustees I reported the fear of him sexually abusing her myself to soicial services. Whe then validated him by saying my children had never been touched and I falsly filed the report.

This issue was triggered recently by an incident in which my boyfriend told me of his cousin sexually abusing a young girl. Then him becoming angry at me for feeling the incident is being covered up because the 24 year old man claims the 11 or 12 year old girl participated in the incident and wanted it. So it was never reported to the aothorities and is just being covered up and minimized. Which triggered some anger and rage within me and my boyfriend and I got into an argument about him hanging around and drinking with a child diddler and being supportive of the denial and cover up. He yelling at me about the validity and my right to say anything about it. And me not having a right to say anything to anyone else who alows their children around this man. Which brought back my own feelinsg of people making me feel unvalidated and as if I needed to just not talk about my abuse and people continuing to talk to and love this man who molested me repeated and using me as a way to fulfill his need for sexual pleasure. This has been a recurring thought lately within myself as I knew what was happening as a teenager was wrong as I had and was in therapy for being molested a s a young girl and not being able to cope. the recurring thoughts have been about me obviously wanting him to do these things to me because I allowed him to. I also soemtimes look at the parts that felt good and I enjoyed which makes me feel as if he was not wrong because I participated at times and it felt good both physically and emotionally to have someone “love” me.

TO BE CONTINUED LATER>>>TOO MUCH RIGHT NOW TO FINISH

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s