>This is something I wrote to my therapist a year ago after a rough therapy session

>well I guess I will start out trying to answer some of your questions you asked so many today that some of them I don’t remember and tried on purpose to avoid and tried to remove myself from our conversation in order to avoid answering your many questions…I felt bombarded by so many things being thrown at me today and really wanted to runaway and hide…I guess I feel like I can handle and deal with all that is happening by myself and I know how to regain control even if it is not healthy and in therapy I cant do that it is like I am trapped in there with you and have no choice in the matter over having to sit with what I feel and the many thoughts racing through my mind at the time…you don’t allow me to escape things that we are talking bout and when it starts to feel like its to much and that I am on the edge with no way of escaping talking to you about something I need to get out of there and today you didn’t allow that you made sit there and deal with it…I understand that’s what I need but I just wish I was able to escape it all…I am a bit confused about what kind of unsafe environment you think I am in though since al is pretty much a quiet drunk and keeps to himself except when he gets wrapped up in the crack which in turn he becomes a bit pushy and don’t know when enough is enough and continues till there’s nothing left to trade sell or he cant get anymore overdrawn funds from the bank and that is all within the first few days of the month…actually he hadn’t drank for 8 days until tonight although Friday when I was trying to get away was because he continued harassing me trying to get me to take Ricky to bounce checks so we could smoke crack with him and instead I left and went to bridges to get away from that all and he has brought it up all week since then but Ricky is in jail now so he cant blame his calling is why he wants to do it anymore because they denied his bail and he is charged with 3 felonies and I am sure there will be many more since he has been bouncing checks at every place possible several of them at once to support his drug habit and that of his so called friends who I warned him about for the past 6 weeks telling him he was going to get himself in trouble and then where are those people going to be they sure are not there trying to help him no instead they have moved on to see who else is going to support there drug habit…but it doesn’t stop al’s need to question about crack matter fact we just had a whole conversation bout it and I told him I am not doing anything anymore if I need to escape then I have ways top get away and avoid things and don’t need drugs to do it…but any ways he says we are supposed to do it when we get our checks and I said he can do what he wants but I am no longer getting involved because he cant handle it he don’t know when enough is enough and when to stop and it causes problems so instead I will not be part of it I told him…I cant deal with all I am dealing with and be wrapped up with that…I can put it down I can walk away from it if not feeling trapped or like I have to do it to fit in or as if I say no that some one will be mad at me or wont like me…I have enough I am trying to cope with and cant handle that on top anymore things seem to feel worse and feel a lot more that I am not able to control my mind and what is happening at times in my life…well any ways some other things that we discussed if I remember correctly is you asked if these things had happened in my life before…the answer I guess is yes and no…I don’t remember a time when it interfered in my life I mean there were times when after therapy when I was going through some difficulties that I would end up at home and not realize how I drove home like I was on autopilot and the car drove and I didn’t have to do anything…there where many times and I still am able to not feel present but yet I am present during sexual situations with men and that occurred even back when my moms boyfriend(my fathers brother) was doing it also…like I knew what was going on but yet like it seemed so far away what I was hearing and I seemed to not feel a lot of it physically and somehow I am able to do the same thing in present situations that I don’t feel comfortable in or that brings up feelings of not being able to be in control…like I learned along time ago that when I cut when I am having anxiety I cant get a hold of myself I immediately feel the relief and no longer feel the anxiety in my head chest and mind it takes it away…it is a way of controlling myself when I feel I cant take anymore…when I was looking in my backpack today it was to make sure I still had my razor blades close by because I felt backed into a corner and like there was no way out and needed to know they were close by to help me escape if I need to get away it all…I wanted to leave quite a few times just to go cut not to get away from you but to get away from my thoughts and the feeling I was having like I was losing my mind…that’s exactly what I am saying pretty much when I am feeling like I have gone crazy…the feeling of having no way out feeling out of control and like these things are happening and feeling anxiety and shit like I have lost it and will be trapped with these mind penetrating images thoughts and feelings forever and there is no way of escaping it feel confined and like there is no way out when this is happening…I feel I have lost control over things especially my mind…my mind is the biggest thing I try to control in my life I believe and I feel like at times when this stuff is happening I have lost that control and the only way to get it back is to cut and when I do I gain the control back…or the sense or control should I say…but I dunno cause cutting leaves me feeling like it controls me a lot also…you may not understand the reasons or agree with the reasons I feel it was my fault and I asked for what happened to happen but understand that you probably will never be able to change my mind around this issue…I guess I should really explain a bit about some things since you want me to help you understand…this is difficult and understand I wont talk about it with you or anyone else but I was a whore for along time…shortly after he began to have sex with me I began I guess you can say looking for other men to have sex with me…there was grown men with who I had sex with at the park by the train station and I dunno lots of other places…I looked for it and continued to go back for more from men I didn’t know and some never saw again and didn’t know there names even after it was all said and done…that didn’t happen for that long but the sex with my moms boyfriend continued for about 3 and a half years I guess…there were times when my brother would question different things and I always stuck up for him and lied about what was going on when he came into my room at night…when my sister and I shared a room and I was on the bottom bunk of the metal bunk beds and she was on the top bunk sleeping and he would come in and start to touch me amongst other things I would try to use her as an excuse to get him to understand that she was going to wake up or something and he always told me not to worry she wouldn’t wake up and when he was ready to do what he did he would bring me into my moms room and in her bed…my mom worked 2 jobs at this time and hardly ever was home and when she was I was either pissing her off and doing something for her to smash me around or kick me or whatever else she did or she was asleep because she worked as a nurse at a mr residential group home at night 11-7 and from there she went to the post office and would come home between 3 and 6 PM and have to sleep before going back to work nursing so is she really to blame for how things happened since alls she was doing was trying to support us 4 kids…no I am the one who should be to blame because I was the oldest knew that what was happening shouldn’t have been happening since it had happened when I was young and had known about good touching and bad touc
hing from a young age but he also knew he should be doing what he was doing since after the very first time he touched me while I was lying on my mothers bed on a Saturday afternoon when we were living on 11th ave in Haverhill he told me not to say anything or he could get in trouble and said to me you don’t want that do you and I said no and never said anything for years…there were times when I would tell him leave me alone I don’t feel good and shit but that was after over a year of it almost 2 and I was pregnant with Corey and he would still keep telling me coming just for a little while just a little bit…by then we had moved to Methuen and then to south Lawrence and him and my mother were fighting a lot and several of them fights were because of him sticking up for me and why he was giving me money and not the rest of the kids and shit like that and I always lied and when she punched me or had me cornered flipping out on me and I was cowering covering my face with my arms crying he was the one who always tried to come to my rescue and get her to stop…I might be dead if it wasn’t for him…I really believe my mom has always had so much anger against me that she might have killed me several times she kicked me in my head and hit me with objects…it seemed the rest of the kids never made her as angry as I did and nothing I ever did was good enough for her…any ways I was a whore and continued to be until Daniel I got pregnant with Daniel who was conceived behind a park bench in the middle of the woods at winikini castle in Haverhill…this not being able to say no has been for along time I always feel like I am the one who obviously had to given since I allowed myself to be alone with the man which gave them the message that I wanted sex and when I didn’t want it and tried to use excuses they pressured me…they continued to try to get me in the mood or con tied asking or whatever which I felt like I had no choice but to do it and get it over with and most of the time I just lay there and thought to myself I wish he would hurry up and finish when is this going to end shit like that and that is how I have always dealt with sex since I began to feel uncomfortable with my moms boyfriend having sex with me even though I gave him the message it was okay for such along time when I felt it was okay anymore he would reassure me and offer me more money and shit like that…so yes I am a whore and a slut…actually I am considered a prostitute since I had sex for money and gifts…one of the big issues in my marriage was sex…when he talked to me during it brought me back to my moms boyfriend because he always talked through it and told me how good I was and how much he loved me and not to forget to never tell anyone and he whispered shit in my ear and I don’t know I guess when Jim did it I couldn’t handle it he would tell me to talk dirty to him and all this was bothersome and I would refuse and lay there until he was done…there was very few times that I would flip on him around sex when this stuff happened and I would then be able to get away from Jim and cry but I never tried to let it bother me I believe it was a total of 3 times that happened in the 7 years we were together…but several times numerous times I cant remember how many but since autumn was born over those years when I told him leave me alone not right now and so on and so on he would continue and I learned to deal with it…began to be able to fade myself out of the situation until it was over and that was how I dealt with it…that’s how I have dealt with many things throughout my last 16 years since I was 12…before that I was an angry child who was very aggressive towards people in my residential for years and was always in restraints and being held down by staff at that place…when I was in residential after Corey was born shit just got worse I was cutting and being restrained and solstice in Rowley mass which was an unlocked facility for troubled teens ended up sending me in and out the hospital until my mother put a stop to that by say that St Anne’s was able to handle me and keep me without putting me in and out of the hospital and calling her out of work to sign me in the hospital for years and if they couldn’t keep me there with out her having to get called out of work then I didn’t belong there and that is when I was sent to Umass transitions and intensive residential treatment program for adolescents who had issues and couldn’t be managed elsewhere so I was put in that locked facility…in between solstice and Umass I was in ma cleans hospital in Belmont for a month and was given home passes and that is where I ended up telling someone my moms boyfriend was doing what he was doing but never went into details and left it at that…that was the last time it had happened was when he was driving me back to the hospital an hour drive back and it was just him and I he pulled over in the parking lot of a hotel that was right off the highway not far from the hospital and we had sex…I was 16 years old and when I got back to the hospital I ended up flipping out and in restraints and that was the end of it…the next visit my mother and I had together she didn’t bring Corey it was just her and we talked a bit and she questioned me and told me they broke up and said something that has bothered me ever since she told me if I had sex with him there were things only someone who had sex with would know and alls I could remember at that point was that he was not circumcised and she told me anyone could know that…that visit ended with me being very angry with her and yelling at her telling her how would I know what her boyfriends dick looked like and I told her to fuck off and get out of my life and I never wanted to see her again and she left and I flipped out and ended up in restraints again…after that when I went to Umass in Worcester I lived in restraints most of my time there it was only when I was being pushed out of there because I had aged out and was 19 and there options were to ship me to the state hospital or an adult group home that I was threatened that if I couldn’t go without restraints or a major restriction which was 24 hrs in the quiet then I was being sent to the state hospital in Tewksbury that I fought ever inch of anger I had and almost made it through the 3 months before I left without a restriction but the week before leaving I fucked it up and sabotaged it but by that time I had already had a placement in Newburyport and still ended up going to the group home which was august 1998 and from here I went to day treatment in Haverhill everyday…after a week of being there I left and lived on the street for a while here and there with friends and my grandmother and in and out of the psychiatric hospitals for trying to kill myself and self harm and once in December of 1999 for threatening to blow up the group home I had been in for 3 months in Haverhill…during this times there was numerous fights between my mom around Corey and me finding out my sister touched him and my mom protected her and fought it all and she still continued to be caught talking to Steven Chadwick her ex during this time which caused us to fight a lot also…we never agreed on her methods of raising Corey and at times she stick physically would hit me and I still cowered like I did when she did it to me as a child even though I was now an adult…she hit me the last time at my cousins party after her funeral in April 2001 when I was pregnant with autumn…the argument started because I told my sister to leave Corey alone and let him do what he wanted he wasn’t bothering anyone and she wasn’t his boss I was there and my mother was there so she didn’t need to be bossing him around and she went and complained to my mother who in front of everyone wanting to start throwing in my face she had custody and destiny has always been there for him and I had no right to say anything to her about leaving my son alone and she punched me and I took Daniel and Jim and I left…Jim took me to the police station where I filed a complaint and she was talked
to by the police and told if she laid a hand on me again then charges would be pressed and she would be arrested and that was the last time she has hit me 7 years ago almost…well this has been a lot for me and I guess I should really stop trying to convince you that things have been my fault and that he protected me since you have your beliefs and I have my own beliefs so I guess we will never agree on this…I just wish you understood me and what my life has been like and is like on a daily basis and why I feel he was protecting me and that it was my fault what has gone on in my life to me and why I deserve to be hurt since I hurt others and failed to protect them even though for years he protected me from my mother…I fight internally with myself a lot around this shit because I feel its my fault but yet I feel like I had no choice and then again I feel I asked for it but yet I have so much problems that stem from it and I have so many uncomfortable feelings about it and I have had so many others tell me it was wrong and I feel it was still my fault but yet I have also burst out in anger when he has been around and told people he works with he is a child diddler and gotten him to tell me was a douche bag and to leave his job when this shit has happened…there was a few times that my cousins husband worked with him that we talked about accidentally on purpose killing him by dropping a car on him and planned it out because the worked at the junk yard together…then when my brother gene lived with me on Franklin street Jim gene and I tried to set David another of my fathers brothers van on fire but it was pouring and the rain kept putting the flames out that we put under his van and then we shoved an orange in his exhaust trying to kill him by fumes being released in the van…we wore gloves and shit but it never worked because he was still alive after that but David finally died I believe it was right after I moved to Virginia he was found dead in his car at a rest area in Methuen he had a heart attack and I dunno I felt relieved at the time he died but yet still I wish it was me who caused his death because he killed me along time ago back when I was too young before I even started school…he was the one who ruined me but yet it is not him who haunts me today even though he stole my life from me like Jim did to autumn he stole so many kids innocents and still always got away with it and was able to walk the streets and violate other little boys and girls…I really got to go I cant do anymore of this the shit is getting too deep for me and I probably should had told you most of this but I want you to realize that most of my life problems and traumas I caused them myself…I got to go I cant do this anymore…I cant talk to you bout this anymore its taking over and I don’t want to lose it I got to get away from this before I lose my mind and my control I have left in this moment…I got to go


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