>wrote this january 31, 2008

>what bothers me most is my whole life no one believed me…growing up everywhere i turned to for help turned me away…i refused to go home from school one time cause i was afraid and alls the school did was drive me to social services and then at 5 pm when they were closing and did not want to listen to me i went to the police department and they didnt care either alls they did was call my mother to come get me and when i refused to leave they made me leave…i ended up not going with her i went to my aunts and when i went there she called my mom and told her i was going to stay there and i was okay…my mom ended up showing up there and told me that if i did not go out to the car now she was going to have her boyfriedn beat my ass in front of everyone…the same boyfriend that when i finally told her about him sexually abusing me when i was sixteen and he had been doing it since i was almost 13 she told me if he had had sex with me there would be things only some one who had sex with him would know and the only thing i could recall was he was uncircumsized and she told me anyone would know that…after that we never really have talked about it except when we are fighting and i hold a grudge because she continued to see him and talk to him even after they broke up…my brother james still talks to him and buys cars from him up until before they moved here…event though my mom is married to tom she still had him helping her move like when tom refused to drive the uhaul to missouri back in the end of 2001 then when dakoata was a baby she wanted me to let her take him to a cookout but yet i wasnt invited when i got there she had run to the store with my aunt and stephen was there corey was running around and i called her and flipped out told her my son did not belong around him and dakoata was not staying there with stephen there and she said that she had no control who was at the cookout and if i was going to be that way just cause he was there then dont expect anything from her…my whole life things have always come down to the fact that the rest of the kids kept there mouths shut with shit going on and because i always ended up saying something to someone i was treated like i wasnt part of them…if social services was coming i was told i better not say anything cause if she lost her kids she would never talk to me again when we were living in methuen on brown street…on pilling street when she was kicking me in the head while i was cowering she pushed my grandmother for getting involved in it and telling her to leave me alone…are relationship did seem better while i was pregnant with corey and then after he was born she did what my fathers family did with her maybe not to the same extent because they didnt let her feed me or hold me which really it wasnt that bad with corey with me she just constantly yelled at me for not letting my sister hold him and thats his aunt she can hold him…like she was the boss of him…i have always strived to be honest as long as i remember back really the only things i remember lying about is when things interfere with my plans to self injure and even then it is so hard for me to lie about that to certain people i have grown to sometype of trust with and have respect for…i know all this shit is the past and i need to get over it but how…how do i stop reliving the feelings from growing up whenever i feel the same feelings and stop having such a strong reaction to situations when they make me feel the same way from the past or even when i mildly feel the same way i react more than i should…yeah i know i have never dealt with any of this really and really have never delved indepth about my life…i have always avoided discussing anything really and have never worked on any of this shit and when i think about it i immediately try to hurt myself as a deterent rather than sitting through it…when i was six and i was being abused and didnt tell i was taught then to talk but never did my brother is the one who told and what happened we ended up in foster care then when i was 12 and stephen started touching me why didnt i stop it why did i allow it to continue…yes it was alot of different shit at the time he did stick up for me when my mom was treating me like shit…he did give me cigarettes and money all the time but i still knew it was wrong and even when i went into residential and it continued to happen on visits why didnt i say something then…so he showed me attention he told me he loved me all the time…but what is love…my mom never said she loved me except after beating me and then felt guilty for what she did and would tell me i love you but i dont know why you make me so angry at you…why is it that i feel i am the one who has dont something wrong my whole life because i allow shit to get to me and cant just let it go and forget about it…how is it that the rst of the kids have been able to live without allowing any of this shit to faize them and they have just been able to forget about this shit and go on about their lives…yeah they are younger than me and did not endure as much of the physical abuse from my mom but they witnessed it…my brother gene and i were the fuck ups i guess but yet gene is still protected by my mom why because he has always kept the code of silence since exposing the sexual abuse when him and i were young…is it because i cant keep my mouth shut…even though in reality i have held alot in…the only time shit comes out is when it gets too much for me to handle and i end up opening my mouth when i really dont want to…why is i feel like i dont belong to that family…but yet my mom has told me i might not even be my dads kid i might be his brother davids kid because he was still molesting my mom when she was with my dad…but yet then she allowed him to be around me and my brother and he touched us…why if she knew he was a child molester did she allow him around us…why didnt my mother protect us rather than put us in that situation…supposedly he was still doing it to her but she was an adult…will i ever get answers…will answers make a difference…will finding out the truth instead of coverup after coverup help…probably not so why is it that alls i do is search for answers or clues and question myself over and over…why do i question life so often…why do i feel like the fuckup when they are fucked up…i feel so alone and never have felt a part of them and why is it that i have always been so unwanted…how have i continued existing and cant get away from this life…how is it that when i feel i cant go on i somehow continue and even when i try not to go on i live through it…how do i escape all this and stop my pain i keep experiencing and get away from it all…i want to get away from life…i want my life to go away…erase the past and let me forget all this pain

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