>I guess I should start off by saying that I realize it appears there is so much going on for me and a lot of chaos in my life with this living situation and custody issue with Corey, but I also want you to see I am functioning through it without falling too far down. Yes I get depressed and at times it still seems to me that suicide is an option but it has not been an action. So the reason I am saying all this is because I am beginning to feel unproductive in therapy. I am beginning to feel that I am wasting your time as we are not actively working on anything specific. Although things are not perfect and sometimes my thoughts are self destructive my actions have not been. So maybe it is time for us to work through some things. I am wanting to work on some real therapy goals not just these generic stabilizing goals. I am not sure what I am meaning to a point and maybe I am making not a whole lot of sense to you but I believe there is a point when this are going okay where it is time to delve into issues never really addressed. Not really sure how to go about this or how to face things but there are things within me that needs working on instead of my sessions constantly being about everyday life and “how things are going”. It is like groundhog day every week in therapy. Things will only change if I change them. But underneath the current changes needing done is the fear, the trust issues, the lack of assertiveness, the not believing I deserve better, the feelings of shame/guilt, the need for punishment, the feeling of self hatred, feeling I don’t deserve better, all these things is what is behind my everyday internal conflicts with current life issues and without delving into the core of those issues where they began and where they progressed I am not sure I am going to make much more progress. I am at a point in my treatment where I guess you can say it is a plateau and there seems to be no digression or progression that I can pinpoint recently. the core of my current life stress stem from core beliefs and the core beliefs stem from early childhood trauma that has never been worked through completely because on my inability to be stable long enough to really focus on those things. I am not sure of your background surrounding actual specializing in trauma recovery but believe I am at a point where my life is stable enough and my fear of me losing what I have is not burdening to a point I am heading into a hospital anytime soon. Yes I realize sometimes actually facing issues are much more difficult than wanting to or needing to and may be a concern for setting myself up to fall but I am ready and willing. I now have a reason to keep myself stable to a point where I cannot allow myself to need hospitalization so it is now that would be a time to work through some stuff and if it gets to much then stop but why not face things head on instead of constantly ending up back in the same life difficulties because of core issues. I am not sure this is something you can understand or if I am really making much sense but I guess I am just sick of repeating the same things in my life, in my relationships, and constantly feeling a void, unhappiness, unable to normalize, unable to be close to people, fear of judgment from others, and maybe I am complacent right now.
I think maybe we need more of a therapy agenda and I need some weekly homework to do throughout the week. Not just minor things but actual assignments that I can do we can use them as a starting point in our sessions the following week. I know there is a lot to be dealt with and it is a process but I also know that this stuff that we are doing therapy lately just discussing everyday relationship issues stems from issues from before I can remember. The will continue to occur until the core issues are addressed. We have been seeing each other long enough now that I have been able to feel the secure from you and trust you to a degree. I went through the trauma group and made some progress through that but not enough. I guess what I am saying is either there is no point in me coming just because of my fear or losing treatment if I am as stable as I am and not dealing with the things that need to be dealt with to possibly progress my life to a better point where it has never been before now. I have to deal with the shame, the guilt, the confusion, the mixed emotions that came from the abuse if I am going to get somewhere. I also still feel as if I need to deal with some grief, guilt/shame, secrets, and take blame where blame is due regarding my children’s abuse and neglect. None of this I was abused so it was not my fault I allowed my children to experience similar lifestyles while living in my household shit. Cause that stuff is no longer cutting it with me. Responsibility for my choices and the things I played a part in while raising my kids need to be addressed and worked through or I may never feel fully hopeful, happy, able to keep living. Sometimes the way you put things feels as if you want me to place blame where blame does not belong and for me to take no responsibility for what happened, how things happened, what the kids lives were like and so on so forth. That stuff was needed in the beginning when I was fragile. I am no longer fragile that I cannot face responsibility regarding where I went wrong and discuss it. I am tired of holding in all these secrets. I am not sure there is much more that can stay within my head before it breaks me. I want to be able to safely go through this stuff with someone I have grown to trust and someone I know is not going to hurt me. I do not want sympathy though. I more am looking for real therapy work. Yes I needed sympathy to a degree for such a long time but that is over. I need you to help me be who I want to be and work through what I need to get through to be that person I desire. But with that includes being more pushy, holding me accountable, being responsive and getting angry when I anger you. Yes I have seen frustration from you but you have taught me recently that I can live through someone being angry or frustrated with me or my behaviors and not have to fear being hurt because you are angry. This has been an enlightening and turning point recently I believe and has brought me to realize you are ok. You will not hurt me I guess. I think. Am I wrong? Your actions has taught me to feel safe with you. i know sometimes I still struggle with trusting you and thinking you will leave me as everyone else has but things have changed lately. Not sure it is good but it feels safe and okay.
I know you will probably give me one of your generic responses as it seems what I always get from you when I write. You will probably tell me you will see me Friday and we can discuss this then. But I am looking for more than just discussion. I want a plan. I want guidance. I want more from my life. I do not want when I clam up for you to allow it. I want to be pushed when pushing is needed. These are the things I believe will get me to where I need to be in my life down the road. I know I want a lot and this is asking a lot of you. I am not sure if it is even reasonable of me to say all this. But I guess this is the best I know how to express my new needs to you. I can do this. I may not be able to treat myself and get through it by myself but I believe my life has come to a path where more is needed for me to get to where I desire to be. Hope to hear from you.