I try so hard to be as “normal” as I can be. I try hard to do what normal people do and be okay with doing those things but for some reason I cannot seem to be okay with any of that. I go sometimes with these normal things being normal then there are times such as last night when going to a hotel with a man that I have been with for more than a year and trying to be a normal woman and do what normal couples do send me into a panic such as I did last night.
I ended up sleeping in the other bed and having to push him away as i began to panic and could not breathe. my head was spinning and alls i could think about was getting away. I was married for 7 years and until the end when i no longer was sexually wanting to be near him even though we were married i had no issues such as this. towards the end like the last year there were many issues as i did not even sleep in the same room as him and it got to a point i had to lock myself in the room to avoid him from not listening to me when i said no. but after that relationship i was okay for a while and even for parts of this one i have been okay but here and there i go through this panic. how is it that my childhood abuse never effected me before any of this but yet 15 years later it is interfering in my life to a point that life seems hopeless and i feel i may never be able to experience life as a normal person does.