The way I feel right now, My hurt

>I just am feeling so lonely lately. I guess moving here with my friend seemed it was going to help me with my lonliness feelings but it is not. Part of the reasons I belive it has not helped is she pretty much never talks to me as she used to before the New Year. I am also seeing alot of double standards going on and feel my son and I are getting the short end of the deal living here. She had said it was going to be helpful to us and her and her son but it seems all is is doing is benefitting her and her child.

Her son is a good little boy but my son is also 8 years older and cannot be expected to entertain him or want to play games with him. My friend was warned and knew my son was set in his ways and just sits in front of his games and on a computer from the time he gets up or gets home from school until he goes to bed. But yet now she does not like it because her son wants to play the game with my son all the time and my son does not wan to play with her 7 year old. Her son also makes a big deal alot about wanting to use a game of my sons only to make her frustrated that my son does not want to let him and her son has plenty of his own games. But she makes manipulating comments to her son regarding my son such as “dont ever be like that” but yet she makes comments to my son such as “its okay” he will be playing on a big screen television soon and dont ask to play then. My son is also not allowed to eat anywhere in the house except the kitchen but her son can eat anywhere including the bedroom.

Then there is the cat that she has that my son is allergic to. She had said she would keep it out of the bedroom so he does not have problems but yet then she will find it at night and put it in the room so my son is around it when he is not supposed to. When she wants something done me and my son have been servants to her and at times her son. Somedays she sleeps most of the day but one day i slept all day as I am depressed and hating life and what does she do. She makes smart ass remarks about sleeping all day and the housework needs doing and things need to get done. But yet I feel as if I am the only one really doing any of the house work. My son cleans the boys bathroom and takes the trash out. Her son feeds the animals. She has done laundry this past week. But keeps claiming she will do the dishes and does nto. Then finally after 2 days of her not doing them I end up doing them. Then she says I was going to do them. I have been the only one sweeping the floors here and there.

She is using the excuse of her surgery and she is in pain but can go do what she wants when she wants. She sits in front of the television or video game a whole lot. I get ignored sitting here all the time and then she takes more pills then she was taking when the surgery first occured a month ago.

I am getting depressed and feel life will never get better. No matter how much I try to change my situations in life and think life will improve by me making the many different changes I make it does not improve. It seems the people who claim to be my friends only find ways of using me and taking advantage of my passivity and vulnerbilities. They also expect it after a while instead of appreciating it and treat me as trash. As it seems I am being treated the way her friend who she was in love with but the freind was not inlove with her back treated her. And she is blinded by it. She tells her son neevr to be selfish like my son is being but yet she is very much selfish and out for herself lately. She asks me to stop at the grocery store and get some cupcakes or soda or donuts but yet she expects it to be for her only or for her son only or just them but yet what about my child. I am getting really depressed.

I just wish I never believed and trusted her to be a friend as I am seeing more and more of her that I never saw before. Before when the girl she was in love with was around my friend was very sweet, caring, and understanding. Now she is self absorbed, acts as if i am nothing, well she actually is treating me the way her friend treated her and I am very much feeling hurt and used.

I have been wanting to cut lately but I cannot because I am living here in her home and she has a young child here and I never do it when my son was around so I sure will never jeopardize her son. But I just wish I could go for a drive up the mountain and sit there amongst the tall trees feeling the breeze and the coldness coming through the air. I wish I could be alone up there as I am alone here. Then I would be free to slice my skin and feel something rather than what I feel now. I want to feel the tingling and warmth of my wrist draining my blood from my veins. I want to not feel lonely, numb, used, hurt, ignored, misunderstood, and anger I am feeling inside. I need it to come out. I need it to pour from my skin and know it is draining out of my body. Even though I know it only works temporarily but I need it. I want it. I want to feel even and not so miserable, even if it will be just for a bit.


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