the thoughts i have at the moment

>My Life sucks lately but yet it seems outside is okay. I have a great friend who is here for me and is helping me out a lot. if i was home i would be cutting and probably have been in the hospital for an overdose or something. i then would lose my son as i Do not have custody of him even though he has lived with me for almost 5 months my family will never give him to me. So my friend does not realize how much she is helping me even if she thinks i am here helping her.

Her son is such a great little boy and kind of keeps me sane. He helps me remember the things i did with my kids before i lost them but also is a bright and very well behaved young man who i care for and do not want to hurt in anyway. this is part of the reason i can not hurt myself right now as he needs people in his life and it is unfair of me to hurt myself and not be around for him. He does not need people in and out of his life and it hurts me to see others do this to him. He does not deserve it.

My friend is a great friend. i just have a difficult time trusting her and the friendship as i am sure she has just as much a hard time with trusting me knowing my history with my mental health and losing my kids because of it. I appreciate her giving me a chance and accepting me knowing how fucked up my life has been and how much i have failed in my life. I am just not sure she realizes how much i am unstable and will always be as long as the void i have without my babies is not filled. It will never be filled as long as i have the chance of not seeing them. Yes when they turn 18 i have a chance of seeing them but will they want to see me. Will they want to know me and build a relationship?

Am i just wasting my time sitting here on this earth in my miserable feelings and these continuous hopeless thoughts? Are they really going to hate me and not want anything to do with me? Will they be better off if i died and never reentered their lives?


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