Well here, it is the end of 2009. The beginning of a new decade is going to start in approximately 30 minutes. As the end of this decade, ends there are many regrets I sit here thinking about within. Today as my mom drove away from her visit here, I wanted to go home with her. I wanted just for someone to want me around and for me to feel truly loved by my family but instead I felt the same as I always have.
I felt unloved and not wanted. I felt I did not matter. Then as I began, thinking about this last year of the decade I remembered how close I came to the end of my life at my own hands. I realized how even when all is going well I still feel empty. I have no one in my life who has ever really just wanted me for who I am no matter who that may be or what I may do. I never really have been accepted unless someone needed something or wanted something from me. Then when they were done with me, I did not matter anymore.
I lost a friend that I really tried hard to keep. She was a good friend for the most part but we all have faults and some of the issues I had with our friendship I allowed to get too far and began to resent the friendship rather than openly talking and working on the things that were too much for me. Well that friendship ended and a new one began. Well I thought two new ones began. but I feel as if I need to just be too myself as much as they are great people and I have no issues with them currently they are just 2 good of people to be around me and my miserable world.
They deserve better friendship than what I will ever be able to give them and they do not need any more distress from me in their lives. I know I sometimes am too much and my hopelessness and despair is frustrating for others. So then, why do I continue to express these things to others rather than just keep them inside? I never can really keep good friends around as these things interfere in the relationship or becomes too much for people who I thought were my friends to handle and understand truly.
My mother and sister left today and I cried as they drove away. I cried because I feel as if I will never be truly, honestly loved by anyone. My family never loved me but they continue to control my life for the most part. I let my life be controlled by others and by my misery. I never will be able to obtain an achievable desired level of happiness within myself to be able to enjoy life and face it as others do. I just want it all to stop and for my life to normalize enough for me to be happy and satisfied with what I have, what I can give, and how I survive.
I want to help others without fucking things up more for them. It seems every time I try to help someone and do as much as I can they end up in a worse situation than they were in before I bothered. So then, why do I bother? Why do I keep thinking I can help and make things better for others? Why is it I think I can do any good for anyone when I have always done nothing but failed?