Thrown in my face

>Well not last night but the night before and into yesterday morning someone I thought really cared and who I had told a brief bit about my dirty past as a child and teenager when I was molested repeatedly for years by my uncles and my moms boyfriend. Now alls I had told him was that I was molested and at what ages. I also had told him about the being emotionally and mentally and physically abused by my mother and that my relationship with my father was on and off and now I choose to have no relationship with him because of how he chose to be during my childhood. The person I was dating and I thought cared through it all in my face confirming what I have always beleived about trusting people with my dirtiness. He confirmed also for me what type of person he was and that he was only here to find my weaknesses and take advantage of them after seeing his friend/cousin had hurt me and taken advantage of me for 8 months. Well this so called man I have been with for 5 months summarized my life for me and let me know that I wanted the abuse as a child. I asked for it and I allowed it to happen. which all these things are repeated things I have believed myself and my therapist has beeen working with me for a long time trying to convince me different. But no even others believe what I beleive. I was molested as a little girl and when it start again at 12 I had already known it was wrong and should not happen. I also was in t herapy at the time and went to an alternative school where I met with my therapist several times a week and neevr said anything. Maybe I did ask for it? Maybe I knew it was wrong and liked it. Some of it did feel good and I also did feel ashamed and guilty at the same time as it was happening although felt as if he was my protector and I owed it to him. He sometimes stood up to and fought with my mother over the way she treated me and would stop her from abusing me physically. Sometimes I felt it was okay and enjoyed it. Other times i felt as if he was sufficating and smothering me and I layed their not really there. Knowing what was happening but yet not really being there. I was there physically and some of my mind was present as I knew what was occuring but yet sometimes i did not feel the sex.
This man who through this in my face has hurt me more than anyone of these people in my childhood. I feel like in the 3 hours he was throwing all this in my face he was in my head and knew everything. He told me things that i had not told him. I feel he undid all I have done in therapy and my trauma group I completed last year even though it was not much and I hardly ever face the sexual abuse issue it was something I brought up with him because he was uncircumcised and the man who molested me from the age of 12-16 years old was the only other uncircumcised mans penis I had seen and when I saw his I panicked the first time and had to tell him that I was abused sexually by my mothers boyfriend/my dads brother from the ages of 12-16 an dhe was uncircumcised and that I sorry for panicking but it caught me off guard. For him to then turn all it on me as I have always done to myself seems to me that it must be true. I wanted it. I enjoyed it. I asked for it. It was my fault. I am a whore and can not say no. I will always be a whore and dirty as I continue to allow men to do what they want even when I tell them NO. I continue to give in when pushed as I did back then. There were many nights I pretended I was sleeping and when he came in my room I would push him away as if I was sleeping and was just moving but yet then would be a pushover and let him do it. Some nights i undressed and slept naked waiting for him to come into my room. Some nights I just wanted him to hurry up and get it over and done with. Sometimes I played into it and enjoyed it. I listened to his talking dirty to me and when he told me “is that what you want” there were many nights I said yes. There were many nights i would talk dirty to him as he was doin what he was doing. Many times I felt sufficated. I still even while writing this and when thinking about it feel as if I am suficated. My chest feels tight. I can feel his heaviness of his body ontop of my chest. I need to go I can nto write no more I have to go get away from this stuff right now.


9 thoughts on “Thrown in my face

  1. >I'm so sorry this person you were seeing has done this to you. It must feel awful to have someone reawaken negative thoughts you have about yourself. Don't allow these thoughts to brainwash you. I think you should deal with this experience in therapy so it doesn't cause any more damage than it already has. Don't blame yourself.


  2. >You are NOT to blame for one ounce of anything that every happened to you!!!! Do not allow one person to make you think otherwise. You are the one that has had to struggle through the physical and mental pain of what happened to you. NOT THEM!! It angers me so much when people don't take our abuse seriously and use us as a pawn in some sort of sick game. I pray that you will keep your head held high and that you won't allow yourself to believe such horrible things. You are a child of God….someone precious and someone that has survived to heal. How I wish I could just wrap my arms around you to comfort you right now!!!


  3. >Safe hugs. It is unbelievable how ignorant thiy guy is. Good that he showed his true face now and not later into a relation. I remember the ONLY attention and the ONLY affection I got was from the abuser. I was 7. I just wanted to be cherished and loved like other kids. I am not to blame for an extremely dysfunctional family and hence being exposed to all what I went through. You arent to blame either. Please dont allow anyone to say so. It is a huge step to start blogging. It is a huge step forward to tell your secrets. Be porud of yourself, you will find lots of supportive people here. People you can feel what you went through, people in various stages of recovery. I wish you all the best. Hugs across the pond. xxx


  4. >I'm sorry you went through all that you did. For years I believed I was wrong, bad, deserved it and had no right to be alive. It does get better. It really does. I had to learn and am still learning how to be my own best bud. No matter what anyone said, I had to learn to be gentle with me. Hardest thing to do. Hang in there. sarah


  5. >HiI just came across your blog and found it really informative and well put together. This is an extremely difficult subject and I felt that your blog portrayed it well.I would really like to follow this blog and hope that you will check out mine. Thanks for a great blog J.A.


  6. >Say this out loud to yourself. "It was not my fault!" Remember that because it was true no matter if you didn't fight, say no, etc. you were a CHILD. You are not a bad person and did nothing wrong and are not to blame.


  7. >I just stumbled upon this blog and I must say my first thought was 'this woman is very very strong and very very brave'. Blessings to you for sharing your story and I know it's not easy. Please keep it up and keep your head held high and remember your strength.I pray life will get easier for you very soon.xx


  8. >I am so sorry for all you have been through. What a terrible time. I do relate to a great deal of it, and the sick and heavy feelings you talk about I feel for you right now. PLease hang in there…write again. I just found you today, and I will check back in with you. SAFE HUGGS….


  9. >i have never had an experience like the one described here. i envy your courage and determination in starting over every day. i must tell you that you cannot control your environment, where you have been in your past and what people have done to you. you can control what you do right now, that is all anyone can handle. please persist in your struggles. you are in my prayers!peace to you.


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