Life shows up so often

>Last week my carefully planned suicide failed. I am not sure how carefully planned it really was as although I had researched it for weeks and waited until my son left on his trip to massachusettes I only took half the pills I had planned on taken and got high on crack cocaine right before taking them and then although I had planned on cutting my wrist straight up the vein I ended up cutting it on a diagonal. Alls it did was end me up in ICU for 4 days and with 27 staples and 11 stitches in my wrist. It did do some damage to my nerves as my hand is stillnumb halfway through it and i have achy pain near the side where the vein got cut. It also left me with a bunch of days unable to tell you about as their is no memerories from them including the many conversations I had at the hospital. I did manage to stay out of the psychiatric unit although then felt I needed to be in one since I left ICU. I had therapy monday after being discharged from ICU friday and not sure it was very productive or much of it was set in as in my mind I still planned on finishing myself off. I met with my ehs mental health support worker and then decided yesterday after have a major emotionally traumatizing fight with my now ex boyfriend as we broke up I decided that I needed help. I went and tried to get into crisis stabilization and was turned down as I have been there too many times in the past 3 years and have had many problems while in the program so therefore they denied me the service. Instead I am on a crisis plan which just entails that I will still see my therapist which at this point is weekley but had been biweekley and I will also meet withy the crisis coordnator who at one time was my case manager a few times over the next few weeks to try and get myself and my life back on track before classes begin August 24th. School will also give me soemthing more to do once it starts although it in the past has helped keep me somewhat stable I still have not been able to completely organize keep focused keep up or stay stable throughout the whol semester which will end in december so we will see and alls I can do is try for now. I still have the option of killing myself if none of this helps and even if it helps temporarily killing myself is still an option.

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One thought on “Life shows up so often

  1. >Thank you for following my site. While killing yourself is always an option it is not ever your best option. Even life that doesn't feel worth living, is…we just can't see it from that perspective. Are you wanting to stop hurting inside or are you wanting to stop hurting others or are you exhausted from the stagnate slow pace? I guess I am asking – what do you think you will achieve by killing yourself, what is your mission or purpose? What will it do that you so desperately need?I ask as one who has been there, not as one judging. I had my thoughts, and reasons. Sometimes it helps to state them and have people who have been there to apply wisdom learned or reason. You might want to give talking to people who experience such thoughts a try.

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