update lately

>Well I guess things have been pretty good lately even if they have been rough. I have not been in the hospital this whole year. Although I cut recently it had been about a month or so since I had last done it until this morning. Although I think it was more about wanting to do it and missing the relief from it more than anything. I had been thinking about it recently but not obsessing over as I have in the past.
Last night I had a very rough night sleep wise as I was tossing and turning throughout the whole night. I was unable to sleep restfully and was back and forth from couch, bed, and to the floor and back all night. At one point I was having some traumatizing dreams about the past as I was a teenager and ended up screamign and yelling in my sleep. Pete said all a sudden I was yelling then sat up from the floor saying just leave me alone and he asked me what the fuck was wrong with me only for me to lay back down and go back to sleep. So althpugh I do not remember waking up or sitting up I did remember somewhat of what was happening in my dream somewhat but not really much now as I have been up since about 6 am this mornign and the memory has faded throughout the day today.
Yes maybe this contributed to my acting upon my urge for some relief through cutting I do not believe that it was that. Since cuttign this morning I had been relieved and pretty calm for most of the day and even as I sat in DBT group today I had been emotionally feeling well today after the cutting this morning. DBT has been going better for me and I have been able to talk somewhat today during group and not just talk about everything else but actually talk about some things going on for me in my life. I think therapy as hard as it has been for me and the trust has not been there although does appear here and there, therapy appears to be progressing. I have been actually facing some things and have lied at times recently to her inorder to prevent her from screwing my future plans up.
My plans did get side tracked and things have been on hold as finaces had not been there for supplies but things have been picking up and life seems to be going for the most part better. I have bought a car and now I plan on cruising for a while as I feel so free and not as trapped as I had been realizing I was and feeling.
My birthday is friday and although I am turnign 30 to me it is no big deal and just another day in my life that I will have to face some of my regrets in my life. My son is here and he will be going on a date with my neighbors daughter. He is 14 and she is 15. I was shocked and very excited for him but as the days get closer I am not liking the idea much as he is all I have left to live for right now and I am not ready to give that up or let go of his needing me.He leaves next Wednesday for a month long trip to massachusettes for some time with my mom as she has raised him his whole life until a year ago. Then he will be starting highschool when he gets back which is also scary to me as I am young and not ready for alot of things in my life. but they need to be done and I need to deal with them. actually face something that may emotionally effect me headon instead of running and avoiding and escaping the emotions.


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