>I know I asked you to keep the card and I know I need to save the money to move soon. I realize and appreciate your care and concern and know that by obsessing and focusing the amount of time I have been on suicide forums it does not help. But I also know that it is an escape for me and a way for me to avoid the real feelings and emotions that I go through at times. I am sorry that it is difficult for me to express my fear, shame, hurt, and sadness without trying to use it as an excuse to quit. I have a hard time not giving up. I have been fighting my inner self for many years and although there has been many times when I begin to face some of the core issues I have always done what I am doing lately in order to give up and avoid facing what needs to face. You have been very patient with me and I need to try to accept what you have been doing for me over these soon to be 3 years and begin working with you instead of fighting against. I know logically and in my rational mind and quite possibly in my wise mind that I should not fear you and that you are not going to hurt me and I can trust you but for some reason that trust gets to a point and I allow myself to be distrusting and distance myself from you and my treatment. I know you care but do you really. I mean really it is your job so why would I fully believe that I matter rather than the reason you have not said I am a lost cause and go ahead kill yourself is because of ethics and internal beliefs that come along with the job of working in a system as you do. Well anyways this not to say anything except I am letting you know that although suicide crosses my mind a lot and I use it to avoid facing things and it helps a lot to avoid things it actually has been a distraction for me for many years and even when I do not fully put any effort into the thinking and planning of it when distress becomes my reality suicide becomes my life. I am sorry that I have been dishonest about the drugs and I have difficulties trusting you enough to face you and work through things that needs facing but sometimes I think I can do it and begin and then run from it instead of keep going and that is not what I need to be doing and as much as I know this in my rational mind my emotional mind is what I live off more than I should. I know I know the terms and all but I really do not use any of it as I believe the pain must be exposed and not just blocked and dbt believes to live in the moment there is nothing that can be done to change the past so why allow it to be your reality. Well reality is that my past represents how I became who I am and if it was not for my past I may not have the present I have so why would I want to use dbt to to distract and continue avoiding this shit that tears me apart and has allowed my reality to be obstructed. If I was not molested as I child I may not have been as cautious and protective with my children as I was but I may not have allowed him to beat me down believing he was not doing anything even know what I saw got me into the mode of the fear something was happening even if I could not prove it. Now what also happens if I fed that shit into her head by constantly being suspicious of his every action towards her and arguing with him about whether or not he was a diddler and shit like that. Yes I never gave her any details or anything but there was many times I accused him and flipped out in front of her and the rest of the kids because of the uncomfortable things that I witnessed but yet I did nothing about. So how is it I need to lforgive myself for that when I am not even sure if I am the cause of it. Also when he had that sexual psychological profile done and it came back that he was not interested in her age group or young children but at the end of the report it stated that although prepubescent children was not his interest many times and adult parent will violate the child to get back at the other parent. I made him that angry at me that he would hurt and violate my little girl. The little girl he was so protective of and always suspicious of others around and never wanted anything to happen to her. I am not sure of the reality of any of that just like the reality of me being in a situation that was not my fault. Well I have so reality for you yes maybe Stephen came onto me the first time but I never tried to stop it it felt good even if there was many nights I did not want to be bothered I still layed there waiting for him like he told me to. When he said to go to bed with no clothes on I went. There was many nights where I was awake and pretended to be asleep and there were many times towards the end when I got sick of it but I still kept doing it. That is how it is sometimes now. I am dysfunctional when it comes to sexual relationships as I want somehow for it to be not my decision and I tend to just do it just for the pleasure of the man. But lately a lot has been happening as Pete has not been one to be all about himself when it comes to sex and I for one am not used to that and for two do not like it. I want a man to just do what he wants and get it over with then go about your business and yeah that is not in reality what a relationship healthy anyways entails but I cannot cope with the performance he expects although what kind of of person am I really to act as I was when I was back then and seduce men that really I hardly know and back then I did not know any of them mind you Corey has no father and all these years I will say it is probably shames but in reality he is probably one of the many guys I would expose my body to while roaming the town and end up having sex with behind bushes or wherever else we happened to land. I was a whore a slut and lately I have gone through this whole thing with Pete telling him that is what I am and why not treat me like that but yet when all this shit happens I feel disgusting and want to hide. He won’t leave me alone though he has grown feelings for me where I do not believe I am capable of having healthy feelings for a man. I actually pick arguments with them when many of the things are minimal or I should not care about but I will pick an argument expecting him to walk away and not come back of do something to me physically hurt me like I deserve. I am not sure like when this stuff is going on it is like autopilot it seems I am aware of it I witness it I in my mind can acknowledge to myself this is wrong I should not be doing this stuff but yet seem to not be the one in control of the actions and what comes out of my mouth and although I will tell myself I need to stop doing this stuff it feels I am incapable of controlling it and as if something else controls it the same way my automatic thinking about suicide. I hardly think about cutting as a release and a way to cope anymore. I mean I think about cutting but I am much more able to tell myself that does not help but unless I cut deep but yet I am not worth wasting my energy on to do that even anymore instead I change my thinking to suicide. I am not going to kill myself I just have been trying to give myself that security so that it does not take my life over as it has been lately. If I have the means I will not need to plan anymore and won’t have to dedicate my every waking hour of thought on how to keep it from people how to make people think everything is all right and nothing is going on and everything is getting better. I will have the answer for my pain readily available and will be able to focus more on the moment and what I am experiencing and how to get myself out of what I have put myself into and how to refocus myself and go back to school. And what I really want from life and the future. I know it is difficult for you to grasp some of this as maybe you have not been in my shoes but this is my reality for the most part. I gave you my card to prevent me from blowing it all up on crack as yes I have done well with with it but not without using anything I have overused Benadryl, I had taken a few loritabs and percocets last week along with the past 2 months maybe 3 months I have smoked weed every few weeks although last week I smoke twice in one day and then for the next 2 days after that and then stopped that. Yes I spent 200 dollars on crack on the 1st of last month and I smoked $60 with Mandell right before he was arrested well actually him me and Pete. And then last week I smoked a 20 with Pete on Tuesday night and then a 40 with him on Wednesday and have not touched it. Yes that means 4 times this past month but there was like a 16 day period I did not and no nothing got better for me and I did not feel better about myself. Before the 1st I had not touched it since the beginning of may like the 3rd I believe do not quote that date for sure but yes I was doing well as I believe it was the beginning of may where I spent a whole lot of money and went through 35 grams with Pete and I in 3 days and still we owe the dealer 450 dollars. But you know what maybe that is my destiny maybe that will be what takes me out of here but I gave you the card as I already know that tonight or tomorrow I will be smoking money or no money it is a given when you are fucking someone who does not want to do anything with his life and does not need to stop as it does not cause him difficulties. When you act like trash you become trash and that is what I have become basically. I have become a poor excuse for human being but yet I still keep going why. Cause what I am a fighter well how long before I lose that in me too just like everything else that seems to have gone down the drain and is unburyiable. How long before I become the crackwhore I hate and have sworn to it that it will not be me. Or have I already become that even when I am not smoking crack. How long before you decide to let me go and walk away. When will I gain some real peace. Last week there was this inner peace as I planned my suicide and the days got closer that I never felt now I feel like a coward. I feel as if I am a waste of time. There I go starting argument for nothing he wants me to go to sleep as I have mayube slept 6 hours since I woke up Saturday or Sunday I am not quite sure as the days seem to be all the same lately. I slept many hours last week and felt relieved and at peace with things and inside after meeting with you then this sleep shit started I think Friday and it has not ended. Now I can’t sleep and I am not tired like my body feels tired but my mind does not shut off enough I feel weak kind of muscle wise and my arms and legs feel weird but yet I cannot sleep. Well anyways I would appreciate it if u just give me the numbers off the card and then I will not be able to get money for crack and blow it but I would like to pay for my sons online Xbox 360 live as I had promised since he is unable to use it as it expired the 26th and is dysfunctional until we reinstate his membership. I also need to pay his 30 dollars for his world of warcraft account and would like to keep the rest on the card so I will spend 55 dollars and that will leave me 550. I know you are concerned but things are okay the pill stuff and suicde forum chats and my chats with others online have been investigative for the most part and just an escape and security for me lately. I am sorry I mentioned but I have great difficulty concealing that stuff as at times it dies concern me when it becomes constant thinking and and my life seems as hopeless as it has for me lately even if it is not and I have made progress it just is a feeling and not an action. I can feel whatever comes to me but I do not have to action one my feelings or my thoughts and I am not going to. Thank you for bearing with me and helping as you have and I am really sorry I have wasted your time and took you for who you are not. I am sorry my expectations of you have been so high and expecting you to do for me more than what I have been doing for myself. I will try harder and hope we can get working with each other instead of against each other as you have put a lot into helping me without me trying to help myself. I think my mind is becoming wacked somewhat as I feel as things are going in circles and not coming out clear. I really honestly believe I may need to get on some sort of medication soon to get myself out of this but I also do not believe I need a forever pill as I had learning to live and believe in life and enjoy some of life in the past so I am capable of doing again. Good night or morning whatever you want to call it I need to try to sleep.
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