another letter to my therapist july 1st

>Well I just got in from watering the garden as I had not watered it since I flooded it Saturday night by leaving the water running and forgetting it for at least 5 hours. So that is done. While watering the garden I began to realize that I continue to tell you and everyone else that I do nothing when in fact I do do things. I water the garden yeah maybe I do not weed it and do not take care of it as I should but at least I am doing that. Then I also cleaned the living room Monday evening and fed the chickens sometime this weekend but they need more food as I saw their containers both water and food empty. I also have cooked a few meals the past week and brought it to the neighbors and Pete. For some reason I have no motivation to cook for myself but will eat if it is cooked for me or if I cook for someone else or others. I did shower about 20 times in the past week as it seems that is all I really have been doing a whole lot of besides interacting online although Monday I walked down to social services and applied for cooling assistance which I probably will get denied for since I have been keeping my bills up although have not paid my rent in months. This house had really gotten bad throughout here and there the past few months and I cannot get rid of the fucking bugs and I hate it here. I have socialized with the neighbors both the “normal” and the abnormal neighbors although it has brief but frequent interactions since I cannot be with myself a whole lot although seem to be having difficulties being away from home recently. I did go over Tracy’s for a bit sometime last week but it got too much with the kids and being around people I guess. I think I have been insecure lately but yet social but keeping distance and avoiding and real in-depth interaction with people although I have felt sort of distanced from the world but yet seem to be somewhat at peace with that recently. My need for socialness is being hindered by my desire to distance humans I believe. But any ways I have been doing anything even if I constantly am telling you and everyone else I do nothing and even if it is not what I should be doing of what I would like to be doing or what I expect myself to be doing I am at least doing them. Well guess I am going to try to lay back down as I have done that a few times and have had my stupid guided crap on all night and had been unable to fall asleep as my mind has been racing and a constant merry go around I have been unable to fall asleep even though my body is falling and needs rest my brain is not shutting down enough to relax. Hopefully all this has helped although after the first email I tried to sleep and could not so I water the garden and now I sit here again which I need to try and sleep as I know this does not help me emotionally stabilize when I am not sleeping as I should I end up emotionally out of whack even when nothing is happening emotionally it makes me more vulnerable and I hate vulnerability but yet cannot prevent it when I am not taking care of my physical needs such as eating and sleeping. I have taken myself off coffee for the past 2 weeks although that is not helping either I thought it might help stabilize some of my sleep but no. anyways bye

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