>Letter to my therapist

>Marianne,

I know today was somewhat of a start and I realize it is much easier for me to write about stuff rather than face you and talk about it. This is somewhat of what needs to happen for me to work through stuff but it is scary. I feel like it is difficult for me to get into it and when I begin to I start and then shutdown and close up. I know you have heard it all before and you are not going to see me any different but yet I feel like it is too hard to do and I tend to push you away as I feel things are beginning to get to a point where I begin to be able to open this stuff up and face. It is very difficult just sitting there in that room with you talking to you about things I have never talked about. Yes it is much easier for me to open up by writing but not sure it really does me much good since I am more distanced when writing and not so much involved in the shame and guilt that runs through me as I sit there feeling exposed and like a fucking tiny ant under a microscope. Sometimes even after writing to you it is hard for me to come into therapy without feeling as you are looking me over and trying to see the damage I have and it sometimes feels like I have things in big red bold letters all over me telling everyone to use me I am easy hurt me and whatever else I think at different times. I need to face this stuff but yet sometimes feel incapable of dealing with it and being unashamed. I felt like shutting down today and at times I did. It always seems when this shit comes up I have to throw up the wanting to kill myself. It is usually deterrence for me and a way I am able to get others to get away from the subject but it was not working today. I sometimes feel like by wanting to kill myself I won’t have to face anything and actually expose any of the secrets I hold inside. I have struggled a lot lately with trying to find a good enough reason to give up and let go but even facing some things I have been doing and exposing the secrets somewhat has not given me an actually good reason to go through with it. When I came to see you it was difficult and things have been going on that have caused me some panic and fear. I feel sometimes like I am who I was back when things happened and I knew they should not have been going on but I was unable to say anything. I allowed the stuff to go on knowing it was wrong. I felt as the was the only way to have someone care about me and he showed me I mattered. Now I place myself in situations or set up stuff that places me back then when I felt it was what needed to be done to be cared about. I felt special I feel wanted. No one ever cares or wants me around unless sexual things occur. I have set myself up to feel not in control. Sometimes I think I want it even when I feel I do not. I place myself in whatever happens and I have set the basis for things to happen. Back when I was a younger I think I did the same types of stuff. I slept with many people and placed myself in dangerous situations to feel something. Sometimes I am just numb and need to feel something anything. I feel helpless a lot but yet it has been my fault. I have teased men only to feel helpless when they want to do things. I had a difficult time this morning as a situation that has been playing out for some time now came close to happening I kind of panicked as I had not been exposed to that since I was a teenager and a whirl of confusion messed with my mind and I had to get away. I know none of this matters really because writing about just distances me from it and I feel unthreatened but t yet I cannot say it and be okay. I wanted to hide from you as it seemed alls you do is look at me and see the disgustingness of me. Sometimes I feel as if everyone knows and can tell all the nasty shit I have done. I violate myself and have allowed myself to be violated at the expense of being wanted and cared about and have placed myself in this stuff my whole life. When you give people mixed messages what can you expect. You cannot expect to play with fire over and over again without being burned. I sometimes feel I deserve the pain I expose myself to and then other times I can see that I need to run and hide and get away but yet I am trapped there is nowhere to go and I have no way of getting there. I have never been able to get away. I have always felt incapable and helpless. I feel like it is out of my control. I cannot control what happens. I can’t control how he made me feel but yet I know it is wrong and should not be happening. I have felt weird through the years know he is my father’s brother and my mother’s boyfriend but yet I still chase it wait for it and need it. I needed it. I am not quite sure how I get through each night but it continued for a long time. I sometimes feel like I pursued it back then and now. My head has been pounding for hours and I have cried and been hurt and talked and screwed my mind up all day. I felt relieved for a bit and felt okay like some sort of strange mellow peace overcame me for a bit. Then I broke after getting home and being by myself for a while then I have cried off and on and wanted to give up on living. Trying to plan it out right and wanted this all to stop wishing life would stop but it won’t it just keeps going and I must keep struggling as things happen. I must keep allowing it in order to get by. I have been so confused today and feel unorganized and unable to get away. My head hurts I have cried I have thought I have felt unable to face this but I am done. I need to do something. I have wanted to hide from it. I want to hide from you. I know what you think and I know it’s not far from the truth but I will get away I can escape it. Right now I just have to experience and feel it. I need some sleep I want to cut and not feel what I feel but I cannot escape. I do not think that is going to get me out of this. I am not sure that is the answer anymore. Maybe I need to go where no o ne knows who I am and what I do but every time I seem to do that it seems they can see it and it is like I hold a huge sign up above me telling everyone who I am what I have done and how to get me to do what you want me to do. I hate being me. I hate doing what I do. I hate existing. Why am I still here? Why am I still fighting for the impossible? What is all this going to lead to? I need a reason. I need for someone to let me give up and be okay with it. I want it to be okay to give up and for people to accept me as the quitter I am and have always been. I need someone to help me finish.

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