Confliction with my mind and feelings i guess

>In some way I am some what confused about feelings maybe more thoughts than feelings. I do not know I guess what it is. I keep feeling sad and as if I am on the brink of breaking down in tears. I feel let go. I know she said she was not giving up on me but it seems this is what happens after the 2 1/2 years mark with most therapists I have if it even makes it that far. I feel somewhat of a fuck her attitude regarding her attitude lately but yet I also feel as if I am the lost cause I have always believed I am. In some ways I know deep down I probably do not need therapy anymore as I do know what I need to do in life but yet i am torn between the determination, dedication, desire, confidence, competence, and possibly the ability within myself to doing all this and the hopelessness, helplessness, capabilities, desperation, and possibilities of really being able to get through much more and living instead of just managing life. Although I am an educated soemwhat streetwise and intelligent person I always fall into the helplessness and dependence on others even when I do not trust anyone I trust people too much. I am an independant person and fight for my ability to be independant and tell people of my not needing them or anyone but yet I am very dependent on others. I do not survive without socialization and needing people around me. I want peace within myself and my life but yet I love to get right in the mix when there is chaos occuring I am right up in it but yet then can nto really stand the drama and chaos/ I am conflicted. I hate to be alone but yet when I have someone here I want them gone but when they leave I get angry they leave me here. I live alone and like it but yet I hate being here at my place alone. I hate living with people but hate living alone. I guess with all the therapy and mental health treatment I have gotten since the age of 4 by time I turn 30 next month I would have been in treatment more than out of treatment and never really gotten as far as expected. It seems people expect progress or expect degress but yet i am pretty much more always at a stand still. Yeah I progress a but but i degress a bit also. It seems I have never really moved in any direction permantly or gone in one direction for long cause if I am going forward I end up going backwards shortly after and flip flopping back and forth rather than continuing on one path or the other. Am I even making any sense probably not but yet I think this way constantly. I begin to trust someone or something and then for no apparent reason I become cautious and then have no trust in them and become suspicious and unable to express anything to them really. I am liked by many but yet then I try to push these same people that like me to hate me. I am a jealous person I guess and causes me anger and disgust where none should be. I feel I need someone else to take control over me and my life but yet fight tooth and nail when anyone takes any sort of control away from me. I want to be controlled but yet want to be in control. I want to die so desperatly want ot end my life but yet have had some sort of fear of what I may do to myself recently. I wonder what will happen when I am gone. How will people feel? Will it effect thier lives to a point that it interferes with them or will they be able to cope and move one quite quickly. will they be angry with me or will they understand my inability to face my pain anymore? I am not sure all these things I have been questioning alot within myself lately. Why? I am not sure. I do well but yet I really do bad. Things improve in my life and with me and my situation and I sabotage it and make my life worse I guess. I do things with others and seem fine but yet deep down I am not happy not smiling not enjoying myself but yet it seems I am at times. I dont know any more. I am gonna go for now.


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