my thoughts at the moment

>I am so tired of being used by people in my life specifically men. i try hard to get away from situations that I do not like or things I do not want to do and what happens men come around and fuck with my mind. I want an escape away from all this. I want them to go away and stay away. I would liek for all their people to stop calling my house and when they do for these men to be men and tell these people to stop calling here and that they do not want to be bothered. But no instead these supposed men or should I say little boys refuse to answer the phone to the people and the people call numerous times and then when and if I answer then I have to lie and say these little boys are not here when they really are. These people who call for them know they are here and know I am lying. These 2 men play off of eachother telling these people the other is here and so on and so forth so I am caught in the middle of all their bullshit. Then one of the huys wants to be with me just to use me and it always ends with us arguing but then he eventually comes back. I no longer have care for him I kinda am rageful about him but yet then he tries to be so nice when he wants to get back on my good side but then treats me like shit again and again. Then the other man is a great guy and he treats me very good almost seems too good to be true but he has been doing this for quite a while but I am just afraid to get involved. He has some faults and is involved in stuff that I want to stay away from but yet when he is around it is hard not to want to do those things or to stay away from it. Yes at times he is helpful and stays away from it for my sake mostly but then atleastI every few weeks it starts over. I have tried to get away from ehre and want to move so much but cant for some reason. People here like me and I am not quite sure why but I also am not sure where I would go and I know if I go into the shelter my son can not spend nights with me and where will I take him during the day to spend time with him since alls he wants to do while he is here is playing on the computer or play on his xbox. If I have no place for him to do that then he will not want to spend time with me plus it is not really comfortable weather for him to be outside hanging at a park or something and I know he will not want to do that. I feel trapped here/ I do not see an escape away from here. Why is it I always seem to get involved with negative peopel and why is it I can not stay to myself and keep people away from and for me to stay away from them. I think I would be alright if i could learn to stay to myself and not be such a people person. If I could hibernate I would be alot better off. but for soem reason I can not. I have less than 2 weeks to my planned date to escape all this pain and misery but still have not been able to get enough shit to carry my plans out. So what do I do? How do I obtain the means to do myself in if no one is willing to help obtain the need shit and I have no means of obtaining the shit currently but yet I am desperate. I want out of this world and the pain I endure day in and day out.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s