vent this morning

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my father have not spoken with in about 4-5 years and my mother although we speak about 1-2 times a week it is when she has something to tell me about the other kids and their problems and how what is happening to them is so terrible but yet when I was going through a similar thing with my ex husband and he was driving me through the mud and shit and sending me to court and having me arrested and shit she was not there she could care less. when I am in the hospital does she care NO not even when I end up in ICU for overdosing but yet when my brother ended up in psych unit this week and my sister’s husband left her with the 2 kids this week she sure calls me to tell me how bad things are for them and how it is wrong and all this and what can she do and how can she help and I should go to Missouri to help my sister move back to mass and she wishes she was there with here but it will be okay cause she is moving her back to mass and my brother she has been to visit him all week. so I am the oldest and she has never loved me or wanted me around I was always the trouble in the family because I would not handle the abuse going on at home and ended up kicked out of school in therapy in the hospital on meds and social services was called because of me not her not her beating me or her boyfriend doing what he was doing it was always my fault and she hates me. my family only call when they need or want something from me whether it is advice, money, food, help, travel, driving them or whatever but yet I sit here alone day after day contemplating and planning and revising my end to this bullshit they call life. Physically there is nothing wrong with me but mentally and emotionally, I am not sure. I can be so fake around others and no one ever sees or thinks anything is wrong with me until I end up OD’d in the emergency room. my therapist seemed real concerned last week but yeti bet she won’t even call today or the rest of the week as I agreed to go to DBT tomorrow with her and she runs the group and I have therapy Friday morning with her and when I go she won’t even be concerned she will just hassle me and shit and then when the hour is up she will say well I got things to do and our time is up like I am just a number in the system and do not really mean anything but yet then last week she acts all concerned and wanted me in the hospital and shit because she has a license and does not want to jeopardize it by knowing I want to kill myself and not doing anything in her words but yet then does not do anything about it except call and check on me all week. Fuck her too. She does not really care about me she tells me I need to let others see who I really am and shit like that and not try to act like and be someone I truly am not but then again she is so fake too. She acts so caring one minute and then as if, she does not care the next moment. Maybe she has multiple personality disorder.

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