A dream

I awoke this morning in the midst of a dream I was having which is odd. It is very odd actually. Lately, I have been having dreams lately and before I either did not dream or do not recall dreaming. Lately, I have been waking up from them and they are more of emotional dreams.

Anyhow, this dream had my old worker who at some point became my friend and is no longer my friend. We have not been friends now for about 19 months. it also included my new worker. I don’t recall why they were on the phone together or how they were involved in conversation  but for some reason they were discussing the fact that I am not as dysfunctional as the new worker believes and the old worker was arguing with the new worker that I am more normal than people in the mental health system think but when I am going through a dysfunctional state I am dysfunctional as can be. the new worker continued to argue I was sick with an illness and the old worker argued I wasn’t sick as people think. I awoke with them arguing on the phone with no recollection as to what the dream was about besides the fact of this phone argument.

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I may talk a bit now but not for long

I don’t care what you know. I don’t care what it is that I tell to you. I only hope that what it is you are told is not entered into some file somewhere. I go through periods where its not very difficult for me to go through and talk about this stuff trying to get it out my mind and at least be heard. I am being heard will be a time that will come soon enough when I won’t want to say anything about anything and will just be like none of it ever happened in my life. I won’t talk a bit about any of it. My life may be full of confliction for me but its only because I have not dealt with any of it and don’t talk about it or work through it that I am not really able to get through the conflicted feelings within.

I started with my new therapist

Therapy this was the second week with my new therapist. Covered alot of topics briefly that are topics we may work through in-depth. Its good that I also have my mental health support worker there in session with me. But neither the therapist nor my worker knows me well yet nor understands when I am overwhelmed I just shut myself off and blank myself out a bit. I go numb and feel nothing and my mind is on nothing really just distanced away and gone. When I am overwhelmed it especially is easier for me to do and does not happen as easily when my life is less simpler than it is at the moment. I will tell myself I am OK even if I feel I am not out loud just so I can hear myself and try to assure myself that I am. Its a learned behavior a learned way of coping and dealing with too much at once for me I guess by helping me not to actually have to deal with anything I just go away a bit. For the most part when I am doing well and managing life this learned way of coping does not happen but this also makes it difficult for me to use mindfulness as a coping skill since instead i just go blank.

The changes since I have been here 2 years ago

I have not been here in a really long time. A lot has changed since I was writing my daily blog as a journal back then. A few key things are that my best friend who at the time was not my friend but instead a worker has changed jobs allowing for us to be friends outside the mental health field. well that went well for a while and I stayed at her place last summer helping out with her sick dying father having a good summer getting to know her extended family and being apart of real life and people. Then I moved to a new town at the end of the summer where I thought it would be the greatest thing that happened in a long time living wise. I however found that it has driven my only friendship into more of a distanced friendship. Not long after moving my friends dad got sicker and went into hospice at the VA hospital and then her and I became even more distanced as she battled with the pain of losing her dad as I have hoped mine would just go for so long now but some how he keeps surviving on oxygen and whatever else the treatment they are providing him. I am unsure since we are estranged do to my choice in the fact that we must protect ourselves in life mentally, physically, and emotionally and he being in my life was unhealthy. Yet I hurt for my friend especially after spending the summer with her and seeing what a dad is and what a father daughter relationship should be. It hurt seeing the man dying and not being able to change that for my friend. She deserved to have him survive and he deserved to survive. He was a nice, softened emotional man who is kind, accepting, and caring towards others even in his pain he was a caring man and not selfish. Something I was not used to in life seeing from men. So I saw a lot and learned even more.

Eight months ago I moved to this new town not too faraway from where I was but far since I do not own a car and have to rely on my feet. well not long after moving here I had issues with my leg that turned out to actually be a back problem and lead me to need surgery. In february I had the surgery on my lower back and now my issue with my foot going numb and my whole leg having pain has resolved. Instead I now have a new not resolved medical issue we are currently looking into and test being run to find out whats going on and I am a bit scared. Well I am actually more afraid than anyone knows, realizes, and I will say to them. For 20 years I have wanted to die off and on. I have not lived and have only thought of life as having no point or purpose. Very few times in these 20 years have I been happy and content with my life where it was and where it was going. But I repeatedly failed at ending it too cowardly to follow through and complete a suicide yet attempted it several times yet seeking help before it was too late. Now all those times I thought I wanted to die is in fact coming back on me and there is damage from my choices to swallow handfuls of pills in hopes of not waking up. Now my liver levels are all too high and the tests they run are pointing to cirrhosis of the liver. Now I do not want to die and maybe it is too late since the past affects my future and the choices from my past are shortening my future.

my 4 kids that have been adopted after my parental rights were terminated back in 2007 may not get to reunite with me. I am hurting as that has been a big part of my surviving the choices. The oldest of the 4 will be 18 in just under 4 years and the youngest still has 8 years before she is 18. Then I also have my 20-year-old son who is on his own trying to still learn life and how to navigate through life. He has his grandmother who raised him most of his life and my brother who has been like a brother to him since he was born and I attempted to take my life when he was 6 weeks old but he could lose me if I do not straighten up for good and stop wanting to die so much that I make choices forcing me into the death I do not want. But how do I tell him there is an issue I am having medically? How do I fight with the knowledge I may not see my babies again? How do I get people to hear me and understand I do not want to die but instead there are many things still left for me to do and that I should be here for? How do I get others to understand and then help me in my fight to live? Is it possible after having the past I have had and after making the choices I have made? I am not who I was 2 years ago when I stopped writing here and I am not who I was last summer. I am who i am now and I am trying to get others to see that my life is deserving and I am deserving of understanding, acceptance, and help. I want people to see I have change and do not want to make the choices of the past and though I realize I am who i am I am going through what I am and I am who I am because the life experiences I have gone through but that I have changed the choices I make today and though I wanted to die before I do not want to now. I want to live. there are reasons for me to live and go on. There are things left unfinished in my life and I need to be here for. There are other lives I need to be here to help over the next 10 years when my kids seek answers only I can answer for them with the truth. i want to be here for each and every one of them when and if they desire to reunite with me as they grow and become adults and someday have their own families. I want to be apart of each of their lives and I do not want to not be here when they come searching and cause them more pain when the questions cannot be answered because I am gone. So I moved here to this town needing change but instead I have met much more than that. Instead of just change my whole life is changing and yet the past is still effecting my future and I have been unable to get people to understand and know that is the case. my past may have brought me here today but it should not make my future shorter.

Where I am Today in My Thinking

Woke up this morning just after 8am. Taken my shower and having some coffee. Called the bank to try and straighten my bank stuff out again since the $10 was rejected when the lady put it into my savings account she was glad I called she said and is working to fix it. She said something about it being rejected because it was done electronically. she is going to call me back and let me know what is up. I am supposed to be getting my social security direct deposit at idnight tonight into that account and I am worried that it is not going to happen and my check is going to be messed up for this month. I have already called social security and changed my direct deposit but it will not be in effect until my March check. I am hoping I do not lose the $200 that is due this month as I need it to accomplish living and surviving throughout the month. She is going to call me back she said.
Talked on the phone with my friend and plan on spending the weekend at her house visiting and helping out with her whch will help me feel good as I will be helping someone else.
I have an appointment with my worker this evening and we plan on going out to my friends brothers to discuss the possibility of my moving with him so I can be closer to my friend but so that we are not together 24/7 which can be overwhelming for me when I need my alone time to just be alone and working on my own issues in life. This move could be the move I need as it will do many things to improve my functioning and self esteem. Helping others helps me feel good. Being out in the wilderness also helps me function as it is not so full of choas in the world of the woods. There will be lots of things for me to do such as help with gardening and hopefully have my own garden area. I will also have some cleaning to do for these 2 people and help my friend get to her appointmentts and stay functioning in her own home. I will be able to fish in the pond there on the property which I do more for the relaxation aspect of it. I will be able to sit outside in the midst of nowhere and read. I will be able to experience the wild life and take pictures which gives me great pleasure to experience the stillness of wild life in the natural habitats they survive in. I hopefully will be of value to these 2 elderly people and it will give me a purpose and some meaning to live my life calm and peacefully. I will be away from the constant world of the internet and electronics which though is a coping skill for me it also has hindered my life. I have become reliant and overly use electronics to survive and function.
When I was going through some changes in my life last year I found comfort living in the midst of nowhere being able to explore the contentment of the environment and it brings me calmity and peacefulness inside. It was helpful when I was stressed and needed to get away from the choas in my mind and in life. I would take my phone with me and take pictures and hike around getting myself lost and then finding my way through the woods. I enjoyed tracking the animals and just sitting awaiting there crossing my path.
I find purpose in myself when helping others. I may not be able to hold a job but it feels good to help others when I can. Sometimes I feel I do not do enough or cannot help as much as I should because my emotions and motivation are out of sorts but just being amongst others helps me not to fall so much into the pits of depression and within my own mind and self destructive critisizing self.
I plan on going to the recovery center this afternoon and hopefully will see some old faces I have missed there. People who ispire me and are encouraging. They show me there is the possibility of improvement in life and it gives me hope. Their lives may not be perfect in their eyes or they may not be where they want to be but they inspire me knowing they have progressed and feel encouraged and that their is purpose in life.
I am not where I want to be in my life and with changes comes expectations of myself and others. Needing their support and encouragement. Just feeling as if I belong and make a difference in life for others, that I am unstood, loved, cared about, mean something, am accepted, and I can help is important for me. It is my purpose. It is what I feel is missing most of the time in my life. Also need to accept myself, care about me, love myself enough not to allow myself to be used, finding purpose in my life, feel I am a value rather than a hinderance to society all before I will be where I desire to be in my life. These things are of importance to me. I cannot change others or their reactions o changing me but I can change me and do all that I can that is best for me to feel I have a valuable role in society. Many changes to come and many happening. Life is forever changing and I must enjoy it as must as possible leaving nothing left unsaid or things not important to me I need to leave be. I need to work on letting go and forgiving. that will not mean I have to forget but that I cannot allow it to control me and where I want to go.

Push Me – Pull You : The Push-Pull Cycle form blogger Haven’s Beyond the Borderline Personality

http://www.downwardspiralintothevortex.com/2012/03/push-me-pull-you-push-pull-cycle.html

Brought to you by a fellow blogger who I highly regard and respect.

Push Me – Pull You : The Push-Pull Cycle

The Push-Pull cycle in Borderline Personality Disorder is complicated. There’s a million different variables that lead into and cause various episodes of this; love, fear, abandonment, dissociation, object constancy, splitting, etc. I’ve talked about the push-pull cycle, mentioned aspects of it in various places, but I don’t believe I’ve tried to pull it all together in one place. So let’s do that.

Push-Pull – is a chronic pattern of sabotaging and re-establishing closeness in a relationship without apparent cause or reason. It’s that back and forth feeling of wanting to be close to someone, letting them into a more intimate and vulnerable position in our life, being suffocated, or becoming afraid of that vulnerability, needing to escape [potentially] being hurt, fearing the loss, acting on that fear, and then desperately trying to get that person back from fear of that abandonment, often by apologizing profusely and doing everything we can to be perfect for them again. Rinse. Lather. Repeat.

Often for me this breaks down to two key factors; wanting to be intimately close to someone, and fear of being hurt/abandoned by them at the same time. The closer you allow someone to get to you, the more vulnerable you become to the reality that they are now in a position to hurt you more than other people. If you keep people at a distance you have a safety zone, an emotional buffer. But this doesn’t allow for true intimacy.

It’s that whole threat of intimacy. I want to be close, but I want to be safe too. The closer someone gets, the more able they are to hurt me. So someone gets too close, I push away. Half the time I think it’s for their own good! I know my issues. I’ve ruminated on the millions of possibilities that could happen if someone gets close enough to see the “real me”. The illusion of perfection will be shattered in the tarnished portrait of the bad person I really am. For as much as I want love, want to love, I don’t always believe I deserve it because I know how much has happened to me, everything I’ve done, all my baggage is too much to place on another person. What right do I have to unload all of this onto someone? So pushing away really is for their own good after all. Of course I’m rationalizing, but it’s true to me regardless. But then I’m left alone, I get lonely, and I miss the closeness that was there, and I want to pull back.

For the most part I think it’s a fear response. Fear that we will be left, that we aren’t worthy of being loved, that people are lying and trying to use us… an endless list of other things. We need reassurance and it takes a lot of energy to show us that. Unfortunately it’s a part of our nature to need this. It’s also a part of our nature to feel smothered by it, push it away, fear the loss of it, frantically try to retrieve it, and repeat the cycle endlessly, for as long as someone will let us.

From my article on Baiting and Picking Fights:
There’s something else though. An element of, if the other person will allow me to push, stay with me through the hurtful things I do, it ‘proves’ that they won’t abandon me. The more we can push away, the more baits and barbs we can throw, the more fights we can pick, the longer they show that they’ll tolerate it or try to work it out with us, the more we can believe that they mean what they say and aren’t trying to deceive us … If we can make someone we care for SO ANGRY, they’ll either prove us right, or prove us wrong. Either way we’ll know something for sure, and it stops (momentarily) the constant second guessing going on in our heads. Believing someone, trusting someone… I know I’ve been hurt so badly that I can never fully do this. That doesn’t mean I don’t want it. I just have to test the fences to be sure.

I think what triggers unstable behavior in relationships is the magnitude of intimacy. The closer the relationship, the more invested we are, the more frightening the possibility of it ending becomes. Funny, that this is almost always a self-fulfilling prophecy. We become frightened something will happen, we act in ways to push people away, to distance ourselves from them, before they can hurt us, and this very act is what starts the downward spiral into the destruction of the relationship. It sounds clean cut when you look at it like that, but it never is.

The pushing away is gradual. Often we don’t even recognize the things we do that manifest as pushing people away. Our thoughts and actions seem quite rational to our traumatized mind. No one sees it coming, not even us most of the time.

Hypersensitive to feeling trapped! This is one of the biggest triggers that makes me push away in relationships. It’s coupled by the sensation of being smothered. Boring-Ex smothered me. He’d coddle me. I would see him and I would have no room to express myself, be myself, I would lose myself because he would criticize when I did express myself. His personality was so overbearing that I could feel the air being slowly sucked out of my lungs whenever I was near him. I didn’t feel like I could be me, and the only way I knew to reestablish that was to eliminate the problem that created this deficit; the relationship. I did try talking to him about these things, but he wasn’t the kind to compromise.

That’s not to say that everything that goes on is purely in our own minds and created by our fears. Things are often brought about by how the other person treats us. I’ll do so much for people, pull people close, meet their needs and demands, and then eventually I’ll flip. I’ll be completely overwhelmed by what someone else wants when it’s not what I want. This often happens because I’ll take on so much responsibility for “our happiness” that I don’t express what I need in a constructive way. Instead, I’ll feel like I’m losing my sense of Self to their needs, not my own, that what I’ve just been doing is now too much, being taken advantage of, a demand instead of a desire, expected not appreciated and I’ll have to Push away to regain control of my own situation. It’s not quite the same as the traditional Push-Pull explanation, but the sentiments match up. It inspires feelings of resentment and resistance coupled with the borderline flipside desire to not be abandoned and needing approval. Can’t be too aggressive otherwise we’ll push people away irrevocably, can’t be too passive and just let things slide because then we’re just being taken advantage of and the resentment builds to explosion.

A Non may have done nothing wrong, they may have unintentionally triggered us, or they may be someone that we’re afraid to get too close to because we can see the potential for an intimate relationship. Seeing the potential doesn’t mean we’re prepared to deal with it though. For me, and for many with BPD, there is a lot of abuse, a lot of hurt, a lot of pain in our past, and each new relationship is an opportunity to repeat that process. We have to move slow, emotionally. I often move fast physically to stave off the emotional intimacy that I really need. When I sense things getting too close, closer than I prepared to handle, I need to reestablish a safe zone, I push back. Sometimes this just means taking some space, sometimes it manifests as baiting and picking fights, sometimes it means dropping off the radar completely until I’m ready to rejoin humanity. What I want is to be close, but not too close. I can’t figure out how to do this without pushing away and pulling closer. Allowing someone in, and then forcing them back out.

How do you cultivate trust when you’ve been so wounded? How do you cultivate trust when you don’t actually know how to trust?
Finally, this also happens when we plain just don’t want to be with someone anymore. I’m not going to lie. This is exactly what happened with Boring-Ex. I wasn’t attracted to him when we were together. The only time I was attracted to him was when we were breaking up. I absolutely believe this was because I was more afraid of The Loss and not necessarily the loss of him. So I would pull him back to me, despite the fact that I knew deep down that I didn’t really want to be with him. It still FELT like I did. In the moment I absolutely believed I needed to be with him. It was the fear of that loss that triggered my need to pull him back to me though.
The Push-Pull cycle is insidious. It sneaks up on you. Neither person may notice it at first because it begins so small. Only once it escalates do you really realize what is happening.

My Days Productivity

Today I had a productive day. i accomplished alot yet still have things leftover from the day I needed to do and lost track of time before I could do it.

I got up earlier than the alarm this morning. i took my shower, did the floors, ate my oatmeal with banana, and prepared myself for my day to come. My worker came and we went to the bank to get some information I needed along with speaking with the bank manager regarding my savings account closure and a direct deposit I get. After the bank we went to my doctors appointment, where I was able to have my stictches removed and speak with the doctor regarding some neurological issues I experienced last week which was an adverse reaction to some medication. i then got a neurology referal and a blood test to see if one of my immunizations serum is up to level to see if I need the immunization or not. i will here from the doctors office once a nuerology appointment has been setup for me.
I then got home, hade lunch which I prepared ahead of time, and went to the Center for Recovery and wellness, the local peer recovery center close by. there I attended the support group along with spoke with a couple peers and then came home.
once home I called social security to change my direct deposit but it wont go into effect until March 2013 check. But I got it done without being overwhelmed and effectively was able to communicate with people to get my goal accomplished this time. I was prepared before calling and patiently waited my turn for more than 45 minutes on hold while awaiting the agent on the phone. Then I spoke with the director at the agency where my mental health supports come from and talked with her about my concerns and my goals. I spoke with her about whats going on with me and inquired about the meeting I will be having with them all. She reminded me about needing to call the free clinic to speak with the person in charge of the program for getting glasses and an eye exam. Which when I was done with her I tried to call the lady but it was too late in the day and she had already left for the day. So I must call her tomorrow. i also plan on calling and trying to get an appointment with a therapist tomorrow for sometime in the coming few weeks. I plan on going to the NOURISH group at the peer center tomorrow and hopefully working on some sewing.
I ate my supper and talked on the phone with a friend for over an hour. I had homemade blackbean veggie burger pattie browned in olive oil with a diet gingerale. Then I sat down and did some stuff online and played some games. I tried to work on my treatment plan expansion but got discouraged and felt its overly general and unobtainable. I needed to discus this stuff with my worker but she was unavailable so I left a message. Upon my contemplation I become sorry for my complaining and negativity towards my workers hard work placed into setting my goals and for expressing my opinions to her on the voicemail. she did call me back but had not listened to it. Just saw I called and reurned the call. sometimes its as if she does not care about what i have to say or what i think. It is the way it is and thats that. I truly am being more open and vulnerable with her and other treatment providers. but it comes at a cost. there is a price but I also gain inner peace with some of my conformity. I am unsure wether to trust the difference in my own attitude and others attitude towards me. Others have become more open and cating but I find it difficult to trust the changes. I am not sure if its just there because of fear and will fade away along with everything else people in my say. But I am working on things and becoming a better person in my struggles at the moment. I am more aware and less stressed. i am functioning and coping effectively with my life and the hassles life give me. i am embracing them rather than dreading and hiding from them.